How do we spend our time to achieve things in our lives? I’ve written about this topic separately, as well as how we spend our time. Something like your partner dying, where you are cut off from a loved one, means that time is definitely a focus. So, I want to examine one area that I found very personal:
Partner time is significant — Some advice that is good when you want to find a romantic partner is to 
Unfortunately, losing a partner leaves more than empty hours; it disrupts the shared future, the habits, even your identity, that once organized your daily life. Maybe they were handling all the finances, maybe they did most of the child-rearing. Healing does not require abandoning that relationship, but rather learning to integrate its meaning and take on responsibilities you are not used to. It’s the life that continues.
Especially if the death is unexpected, now you may be disoriented or uncertain, and perhaps unable to imagine how life can continue. Sure, there may be finances to work out, and this could be a welcome distraction. But after that, when the life insurance has settled, and the accounts are transferred, then what do you do?
All this time you were in rhythm with your person through all those years — now there is loneliness and silence. Many experience profound loneliness after losing their life partner, and this loneliness can increase the risk of depression. The house sounds so empty, where once it was filled with the sounds of talk, music, television, and whatever else. People make noise, and without a person there, there is no sound.
Grieve, of course; we are human. This can and does take many forms. Its length, despite all the internet advice, really depends on you, the person affected by the death. Sometimes, if it’s perceived to be “too” long by someone else, the perception can be accompanied by the words: “aren’t you done grieving by now?” An appropriate response could be, “I’ll be done grieving when my (wife/husband) is not dead anymore.” There is no single pathway for experiencing grief. The route is personal, but it doesn’t have to be walked alone.
But what do you do with all the time that is now available to you? Of course, there are the financial matters, house maintenance, support from friends, and family that will fill some of the time, but in the end, it is you and your interactions with others that will fill that time. Sometimes there may be a need to meet and interact with someone new, but how do you do that? The person you had — maybe they were perfect for you — how can you possibly fill that gap? And if you do, does that mean your partner wasn't perfect for you? No, a new connection does not erase a memory; it coexists with it.
You could numb yourself, but that is self-destructive. Ultimately, grieving is learning. Learning how to live your life without them living it alongside you. The self-care aspects of this are extremely important. You need to engage in activities you like, whether it’s writing, painting, reading, walking, working out at the gym, or whatever.
Some enjoy traveling and they “take” their partner along with them, creating memories that they had previously talked about. Some create memorial projects: a collage, an essay, a scrapbook, some artwork, with the goal of preserving a sense of the loved one within the work. Some write a whole novel about where they used to live together, not necessarily placing the loved one or themselves in the piece, but trying to give the reader a sense of what life was like there.
What’s going on here is learning to integrate this part, this separateness, into your life. Without necessarily dropping the loved one off the face of the earth. Sure, you can view this as a crutch; it’s a psychological device designed to allow a stepping stone to the next part of your life.
But don’t “should” yourself. I should get off the couch; I’m so lazy. I should be better at staying calm; holidays and important days shouldn’t make me cry. You’re watching how to talk to yourself. These sorts of statements are a way of bullying yourself.
Your grief is your own. We don’t move on from grief; we pull it in, and it becomes part of our life. Your remembrance of your partner is now where they are, in you.
There are basic things you need, of course:
Sleep - the body physically does not do well without it,
Nutrition - overeating or not eating are signs that, after a while, can also be physically harmful to yourself,
Movement - physical activity is important because it boosts endorphins throughout your body. A counselor often encourages exercise and movement because it's going to support sleep, mood, and a daily structure,
Finances - get them settled; after all, we don’t want to get kicked out of your house because the mortgage didn’t get paid,
Maintain your home - allowing disrepair just leads to different forms of future work and/or expense that needs to be done (I should go do this…)
Creative work can offer a safe way to express sorrow and remain engaged with the world. Isolation can and often does lead to depression. Know that professional support is appropriate when someone is unsafe, cannot function, or is having thoughts of self-harm.
If you are in a depression, it may feel like you’ve been there forever and that you’ll never come back out… Particularly in the kind of depression that goes on for months at a time.
But do the work of self-care (even when your brain lies and says you are not worth it).
Try to practice patience and kindness with yourself (it's so much harder to do for yourself than for others).
Then, perhaps for the first time in a long while, you feel a genuine burst of energy.
(You get that laundry done, clean up the kitchen, or do something simple, first thing in the morning, like making your bed. )
I’m not going to tell you who I am or how I coped after the death of my best friend ever. Because it doesn’t matter to you. What matters is finding out who YOU are. And some of the steps along the way are here in this writing. I hope you find peace.
© Thomas Posz, 2026 CC BY-NC-SA 4.0
.jpg)
